| | 6 months later, i am back at the micu. except this time:
1. call is not q3 (every third night). it's every third, then fifth, then third, then fifth... but call is overnight this time.
(i really hate sleeping over night in the hospital.)
2. i am an intern this time. (in other words, a glorified fourth year med student.)
i thought i had grown out of micu dread. that with the extra responsibility of the longer white coat, i had closed off a part of me, had grown a little stronger, so that it didn't affect me.
alas, not true. at all.
yesterday i talked to a friend and ventured to give a real answer to the question, "how's work?" i was bawling by the second sentence. it wasn't the cathartic crying, either.. but more like the defeated, i'm so tired i'm surprised i can even muster these tears, type of crying. pathetic. seriously.
when i do the dnr talk with a patient's family, and they agree to change code status from full to dnr/dni, i am never quite sure how i feel about the conversation. partly relieved, because then there will be no more thumping of the chest and staring into dead eyes, no more injecting and shocking for x number of minutes until the monitor goes bleep-bleep again (for how long? 3 days? 3 hours? 3 minutes?), and no walking by the room with the person intubated, breathing with a machine that is ventilating a brain that has long since checked out. but also partly saddened, because death was knocking, and we've finally accepted its presence, and to me, this is partially an acceptance of defeat.
not that i'm not used to accepting defeat. but a part of me dies every time i do.
so to answer your question, rocky - not much has changed. at least, not from today's point of view.
maybe it'll be better when i'm off this damn rotation.
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| | Posted 9/18/2008 4:39 AM - 48 Views - 6 eProps - 4 comments
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