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| 6 months later, i am back at the micu. except this time:
1. call is not q3 (every third night). it's every third, then fifth, then third, then fifth... but call is overnight this time.
(i really hate sleeping over night in the hospital.)
2. i am an intern this time. (in other words, a glorified fourth year med student.)
i thought i had grown out of micu dread. that with the extra responsibility of the longer white coat, i had closed off a part of me, had grown a little stronger, so that it didn't affect me.
alas, not true. at all.
yesterday i talked to a friend and ventured to give a real answer to the question, "how's work?" i was bawling by the second sentence. it wasn't the cathartic crying, either.. but more like the defeated, i'm so tired i'm surprised i can even muster these tears, type of crying. pathetic. seriously.
when i do the dnr talk with a patient's family, and they agree to change code status from full to dnr/dni, i am never quite sure how i feel about the conversation. partly relieved, because then there will be no more thumping of the chest and staring into dead eyes, no more injecting and shocking for x number of minutes until the monitor goes bleep-bleep again (for how long? 3 days? 3 hours? 3 minutes?), and no walking by the room with the person intubated, breathing with a machine that is ventilating a brain that has long since checked out. but also partly saddened, because death was knocking, and we've finally accepted its presence, and to me, this is partially an acceptance of defeat.
not that i'm not used to accepting defeat. but a part of me dies every time i do.
so to answer your question, rocky - not much has changed. at least, not from today's point of view.
maybe it'll be better when i'm off this damn rotation.
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| if i remember correctly, i was never all that happy during my clerkship months in third year med school. it sucked to get up so early in the morning, feel like i was wasting time when i was actually there, and then to be too tired durign the day to get in any significant studying done for the shelf exam. i'd say that, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being lowest and 10 being highest on the happiness scale, my mood vital signs ranged between 3 and 7 (because there were good days), but averaging at 4.
on my sub-i, it was a 5.5 average, just because i was that much more useful.
but on this elective month at the micu, i'm teetering towards a 2, maybe even a 1.5. getting out of bed is so hard. waking up is not the problem - i just lay there, in the fetal position, curled under my comforter, trying to devise some scheme to make the alarm clock not go off. but then when it does i jump out of bed so that it doesn't wake my roommates. and once my feet hit the floor, it's all over. the day hath beguneth.
there's just something so severely demoralizing about working up these new patients with their laundry list of diseases and critical conditions, knowing that their chances of leaving that icu room are slim to none. and then when one patient passes away, within an couple of hours that bed is occupied by another critically ill patient.
and then there's the patient who looks like she's with it because she has these weird eye movements, saccade-like but still lacking the basic doll's eye reflex, but how can she be when she's lost so much blood flow to her brain for so long? even the color of her skin looks like that of a corpse. so the group of white coats that shuffle around the hospital then ask the grieving sisters about the option of "withdrawal of care," so that the patient can "expire." 56 days on the ventilator and counting...
i don't know which is worse.
will it be easier when i'm an intern or resident, just because at least i have that much more control and an more in the 'in' with the patient's care? there is an element that is left to my own imagination, secondary to my own times of empty-handedness. or perhaps it'll suck that much more in a few months (some of the interns on the team have had steadily declining moods. could be the q3 call schedule, too.), only to get better when the heart hardens over and each patient is broken down into a series of seven systems, nothing more, nothing less.
i don't want the latter to happen, though. 'tis step 1 to becoming that jackass attending i vowed i'd never become.
k. gotta go into work now. late enough as it is.
btw: get a living will, people. NOW. | | |
| almost 2 months have passed since my last entry. some quick updates:
- i recharged my laptop. hehe.
- traveled a lot since then for interviews. love chicago. not a big providence fan. didn't like atl as much as i did in the past.
- i've gotten the question, "so now that med school's almost over, are you glad you did it?" my answer, "i don't know. i honestly can't imagine myself doing anything else, though." clarification: this is not qua 'because this is what i always wanted to do, i found my calling, hallelujah', but rather, 'i have been so engulfed in this thing for the past 4 years, it's hard to distinguish my identity from it, at least at this point. hopefully i'll be able to, one day.'
- and typical follow-up response: "but i'm really glad i picked neurology. or that neurology picked me. actually, that God picked neurology for me. now that.. THAT.. is awesome."
- i have this pathologic yearning for my cat whenever i'm away from him. it starts when i close the front door.
finally... FINALLY.. i am seeing the end of fourth year, med school, possibly life in new orleans. satisfaction has reached this level in my life such that the occasional chest pains, palpitations, episodes of dyspnea, as well as memory lapse, have almost completely left me. in fact, i am almost symptom-free, aside from the bouts of dyspepsia. nothing a little ppi can't alleviate. i'm learning to play john legend songs on the piano, and even though this winter is a bit warmer than i would appreciate - man are the days gorgeous.
in truth, the reason for this entry is because i thought that i had abandoned xanga forever. i visit facebook occasionally, but it's not the same as having a place solely dedicated to writing thoughts. or thots. (you know, the shorter, more ephemeral version) and recently i went through some pages of my old xanga entries, looking for some pictures, and truly appreciated being able to relive those old memories and trains of thoughts, thanks to my bouts of literary verbosity.
it was... nice.
so '07 was a year of finishing up rotations, solidifying my interest in neurology and chicago, gaining a sister in law, and then some.
and '08 will be a year of finishing med school, starting residency, getting my first paycheck (however meager it'll be), and then some.
excited. freaked out of my mind, but still... not too shabby, ya know? | | |
| yes, my space bar works. just can't waste time on that now.
random thoughts to serve as a placeholder for the passage of time, and also to indirectly reflect the chaos that is my psyche:
(but still ennumerated because that gives a semblance of organization)
1. i feel like all of my teeth are goign to fall out. right now. nownownow. uhoh.
2. the curve of a woman's lower back (the lumbar curve) is quite sensual. have you ever noticed how beautiful it can be? what would be the male equivalent - broad shoulders? blah. not really. the female physique is so much more aesthetic than a man's. haha - man was the rough draft, God got it right the second time. =P
3. i want to sleep. haven't been sleeping much, again, but strangely, this state of slight sleep deprivation makes me feel slightly happier.. i am back in my niche. weird. sad. comforting. moving on..
4. huh? there's a #4?
98. don't even know how many minutes i have left. it just says "calculating". scary.
k gotta go! | | |
| asdfjkl;
my left ear is still ringing, can't hear as well as the right. damn last night's rebirth show was awesome. (new orleans brass bands will always have a special place in my heart.)
just saw my step2 score. why did i have a feeling that it would be my application's saving grace? how gravely mistaken was i. oh, well.. at least it didn't go down.
...
(and at least i am consistently the "see the average? yeah, now look slightly below.. there i am!")
almost packed so i can head for h-town immediately after my meeting with dr. bourgeois.
and my finaid is in! well, sorta. it's still sitting in my accounts receivables, waiting to be processed as a direct deposit. *twiddling thumbs* and speaking of finaid woes, i just want to say:
a great big thank you, hug, kiss, and I LOVE YOU for those who offered their own meager bank accounts to supplement mine. and to you who thought it but didn't say it b/c you were afraid i was going to actually take you up on your offer.. =P
;lkjfdsa (seems only appropriate)
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